Dear Moral Money,
My fiancée and I got engaged in the summer and have recently started planning our wedding for next year.
Both sets of parents are very excited for us and have mentioned they’d be happy to help out with the cost – but neither has given any details about how much they’re willing to give.
Can we ask? If so, how could we go about it?
I feel like the parents are almost waiting to find out what the other will offer – maybe so they can match it. But at this point, we have no idea what any of them have in mind. It could be £1,000 or £10,000.
The sums could make a big difference for our planning, everything from the venue we can book to what kind of dress my fiancée might want to choose. If we plan with just our own finances in mind, we’ll have to go for quite different budget options.
How can we start booking things when we have no idea how much we can spend?
– Anonymous
Dear Reader,
A wedding can be a joyful family occasion, but money has a way of turning excitement into expectation.
If both sets of parents are waiting to see what the other will offer, this could become a quiet contest. You and your fiancée need to take charge before anyone books a venue, chooses a dress or assumes that a generous offer has no strings attached.
First, the two of you should decide what kind of wedding you want and what you can afford between you.
That doesn’t mean settling for a bare-bones event if you have other options. It means agreeing what matters most, what you would be happy to pare back and the maximum you are willing to spend without family help. Don’t build a plan around money that has not been promised.
Then go back to each set of parents with a clear, specific conversation. Thank them for offering, explain that you need to set a realistic budget before making bookings and ask whether they have a particular amount in mind. If you have worked out that an extra £5,000 would make a meaningful difference, say so.
“Would you be comfortable contributing £5,000?” is easier to answer than “How much are you giving us?”.
It is reasonable to have the conversation with both families. If you are worried about one trying to match the other, give each the same information and ask them separately, without reporting back on what the other has offered. The important thing is not to turn their contributions into a bidding war.
Be prepared for one family to give more than the other or for one to give nothing at all. Fairness does not always mean identical sums.
Before accepting anything, ask whether the money is a gift and whether it comes with any expectations. A contribution should not quietly buy someone a say over the guest list, the venue or the dress.
Your parents may have strong feelings, particularly if they are paying – but you must remember that this is your wedding. If accepting money would leave you feeling obliged to hand over decisions to them, it may be better to decline it or accept a smaller amount if it can come with clear boundaries.
This is about more than wedding costs. You and your fiancée are building a life together and learning to make decisions as a team is part of that. You will need to work out what matters to you both, agree your boundaries and explain them clearly and respectfully to parents and in-laws.
The same skills will help when you deal with other family members, friends and authorities. One day, they may also help you create a home where your own children can see what good communication and mutual respect look like.
Most importantly, don’t book things on the strength of a vague offer. A promise of help is not a budget.
Wait until each contribution is confirmed – including when it will be available – and then spend only what you can cover if the final total is lower than hoped. If the answer is £1,000 rather than £10,000, you may need a smaller venue, fewer guests or a simpler dress. That may be disappointing, but it is better than starting married life with debt or resentment.
Generosity works best when it is clear. Your parents should be able to offer help without feeling they must compete and you should be able to accept it without surrendering control.
A wedding is one day. The conversations you have about money, family and boundaries will matter for much longer.
All the best,
– Sam
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